Retreat

I just returned from what is always one of the most powerful and moving weekends of the year - if not my life - the Mu Crew Retreat. This was the fourth retreat held by the organization. It is a GLBT retreat at which we get away for a weekend, share our stories, play games and have fun, meet new people, and quite simply bond in the deepest ways imaginable. This was the third retreat at which I have attended as a member of the Mu Crew. It was my second at which I was a head of household (group leader). And, it was the first time that I had the opportunity to share my story with 50 other people - many of whom entered the retreat as strangers and left as cherished, trusted friends.

I was one of the retreat's featured speakers. Retreat speakers have the opportunity to tell their story during a 25-minute narration. I shared my story with the entire group. Most of my friends and avid LJ readers might know a little bit about my story. It touched on my childhood, my awkward family life, high school, and the more recent stuff with Mom and Dad. Fortunately, those things are currently in a stable state, and I was really able to present the situation in an optimistic and positive manner. It felt so good sharing my story. The reason I started this LJ was to have the ability to share my story. Not only as a way to vent my own personal emotions and seek objective answers. But also in the hopes that others who might share similar stories read it and relate to it - and discover that they are not the only ones facing these types of things - and that there is certainly hope out there to make something great out of all these little chaotic messes. So, I hope that at least a few of the 50 people who heard my story were able to relate and receive something meaningful from it.

Hearing some of the stories told there was just so eye-opening. It's amazing to think how distorted our perspectives can be while in our own litlte bubbles in life. People shared stories of unbelievable adversity - suicide attempts, the murder of a close friend because he was gay, being flat-out kicked out of a home after coming out, being addicted to drugs. Not only just the stories themselves, but the sheer helplessness and the sense that they had given up on humanity and had given up on themselves. It was heartbreaking at times. But, it quickly put a lot of things back into perspective for me. And, I hope it did the same to everyone else there.

As a head-of-household, I had the chance to faciliate discussions among a group of eight folks there. I had the fortune of leading a tremendous band of eight gay guys through the crazy emotional adventures during this retreat. Even though this was my second time in such a role, I think it was really the first time that I felt confident about being in a group leadership position like this, especially in a place at which each of them had undergone intense paradigm shifts in their emotions and perspectives, as well. It was an amazing feeling knowing that each of my group members had a fucking blast. My group was so enthusiastic. And, even the couple more introverted guys in my group took it upon themselves to step out of their shell and to give 100% towards participating in the retreat activities. It meant so much knowing that I had the chance to lead a group in which so much magic was going on.

But, it wasn't just about my group members learning from me. I learned so much from each of them. I learned a lot about myself and how I lead others. It gave me so much confidence in my ability to lead others through such a powerful thing. Whereas my UAB experiences last year posed a huge challenge and frustration to my leadership capabilities, it seemed that I was able to shine as a leader on this retreat. It was a mutual phenomenon; it wouldn't have been possible without the incredible effort of each of them.

As the cliche' term goes, "never judge a book by its cover." Admittedly, I have judged every single person in the Mu Crew based on my impressions at meetings and events. There are so many people there that, to be honest, I had never held in the highest of regards. But, after hearing some of their stories, some of the shit that they've had to put up with, and realizing that they are still able to smile and hold an about face despite all this shit, I realized just how badly I underestimated and undervalued these powerful, courageous individuals. And, now, I have to wonder to myself: how many others have I similarly misjudged. How many other diamonds-in-the-rough have I completely overlooked?

I am often a cynic. I judge people based on the grammar of their Facebook messages to me. Based on the way they carry themselves while out at the club. Based on what I perceive of their intelligence. It seems that I've become so accustomed to blowing off people who I see as dumb and impotent, instead of really opening up my heart and mind to discover what's really underneath the rough spots in the veneer. For somebody who preaches open-mindedness in the context of gay rights and whatnot, I've discovered that there's a whole lot more work that I need to do to practice what I preach in a farther-reaching context.

As always, the retreat was an intense weekend of bonding, laughing, crying, discussions, hugging, ultra-competitive fun and games, etc. Though I've been involved with the Mu Crew for nearly two-and-a-half years now, I have never been able to really devote 100% to the organization. I hope that, before I move to Montreal, I am able to spend more time with some of these incredible individuals and give something worthwhile back to this empowering organization.