Retreat

I just returned from what is always one of the most powerful and moving weekends of the year - if not my life - the Mu Crew Retreat. This was the fourth retreat held by the organization. It is a GLBT retreat at which we get away for a weekend, share our stories, play games and have fun, meet new people, and quite simply bond in the deepest ways imaginable. This was the third retreat at which I have attended as a member of the Mu Crew. It was my second at which I was a head of household (group leader). And, it was the first time that I had the opportunity to share my story with 50 other people - many of whom entered the retreat as strangers and left as cherished, trusted friends.

I was one of the retreat's featured speakers. Retreat speakers have the opportunity to tell their story during a 25-minute narration. I shared my story with the entire group. Most of my friends and avid LJ readers might know a little bit about my story. It touched on my childhood, my awkward family life, high school, and the more recent stuff with Mom and Dad. Fortunately, those things are currently in a stable state, and I was really able to present the situation in an optimistic and positive manner. It felt so good sharing my story. The reason I started this LJ was to have the ability to share my story. Not only as a way to vent my own personal emotions and seek objective answers. But also in the hopes that others who might share similar stories read it and relate to it - and discover that they are not the only ones facing these types of things - and that there is certainly hope out there to make something great out of all these little chaotic messes. So, I hope that at least a few of the 50 people who heard my story were able to relate and receive something meaningful from it.

Hearing some of the stories told there was just so eye-opening. It's amazing to think how distorted our perspectives can be while in our own litlte bubbles in life. People shared stories of unbelievable adversity - suicide attempts, the murder of a close friend because he was gay, being flat-out kicked out of a home after coming out, being addicted to drugs. Not only just the stories themselves, but the sheer helplessness and the sense that they had given up on humanity and had given up on themselves. It was heartbreaking at times. But, it quickly put a lot of things back into perspective for me. And, I hope it did the same to everyone else there.

As a head-of-household, I had the chance to faciliate discussions among a group of eight folks there. I had the fortune of leading a tremendous band of eight gay guys through the crazy emotional adventures during this retreat. Even though this was my second time in such a role, I think it was really the first time that I felt confident about being in a group leadership position like this, especially in a place at which each of them had undergone intense paradigm shifts in their emotions and perspectives, as well. It was an amazing feeling knowing that each of my group members had a fucking blast. My group was so enthusiastic. And, even the couple more introverted guys in my group took it upon themselves to step out of their shell and to give 100% towards participating in the retreat activities. It meant so much knowing that I had the chance to lead a group in which so much magic was going on.

But, it wasn't just about my group members learning from me. I learned so much from each of them. I learned a lot about myself and how I lead others. It gave me so much confidence in my ability to lead others through such a powerful thing. Whereas my UAB experiences last year posed a huge challenge and frustration to my leadership capabilities, it seemed that I was able to shine as a leader on this retreat. It was a mutual phenomenon; it wouldn't have been possible without the incredible effort of each of them.

As the cliche' term goes, "never judge a book by its cover." Admittedly, I have judged every single person in the Mu Crew based on my impressions at meetings and events. There are so many people there that, to be honest, I had never held in the highest of regards. But, after hearing some of their stories, some of the shit that they've had to put up with, and realizing that they are still able to smile and hold an about face despite all this shit, I realized just how badly I underestimated and undervalued these powerful, courageous individuals. And, now, I have to wonder to myself: how many others have I similarly misjudged. How many other diamonds-in-the-rough have I completely overlooked?

I am often a cynic. I judge people based on the grammar of their Facebook messages to me. Based on the way they carry themselves while out at the club. Based on what I perceive of their intelligence. It seems that I've become so accustomed to blowing off people who I see as dumb and impotent, instead of really opening up my heart and mind to discover what's really underneath the rough spots in the veneer. For somebody who preaches open-mindedness in the context of gay rights and whatnot, I've discovered that there's a whole lot more work that I need to do to practice what I preach in a farther-reaching context.

As always, the retreat was an intense weekend of bonding, laughing, crying, discussions, hugging, ultra-competitive fun and games, etc. Though I've been involved with the Mu Crew for nearly two-and-a-half years now, I have never been able to really devote 100% to the organization. I hope that, before I move to Montreal, I am able to spend more time with some of these incredible individuals and give something worthwhile back to this empowering organization.

Open-mindedness is a two-way street

I talk a lot about open-mindedness. In fact, it's one of the very mantras of how I define myself. I have always claimed to be open-minded and have used that philosophy to govern decisions and evaluations that I make. But, what does it really mean to be open-minded? Does it mean that you abandon the cumulation of values and experiences that you have obtained throughout your lifetime? Every individual contains biases. Biases are the results of lessons learned and experiences undergone. Biases are not always these bad things that make us judgmental and close-minded people. They are instincts meant to protect us.


If I'm alone walking down a dark street and I see a hooded black man walking towards me with his hands in his pockets, I cannot help but tense up a little bit and be a little bit wary of him. I don't hate black people. I don't despise people that wear hoodies. However, that image happens to evoke a train of negative memories and experiences that we attach from experiences and even through the media. My brain resorted to this default judgment based on probability and based on the instinct for survival.


When I came out a couple years ago, I asked everyone around me for their open-mindedness. I tried to explain to people that I am the same Mike George that I have always been, and that I am not just going to magically transform into one of these prissy little queens wearing Dolce-Gabbana sunglasses and rainbow stickers on my butt. I told myself that I wasn't going to let homosexuality change the fabric of who I am. However, I have seen little hints of changes in how I think. I've always preached the essence of open-mindedness, as do many others in the GLBT community, but it often seems that we only allow open-mindedness when its to our benefit. But, what about all those in the gay community that turn away from God not because He wronged them or abandoned them, but because it was the default thing to do as a member of the GLBT community?


I went to church last Sunday with a couple of my friends. It was the first time that I had gone in a good while. The sermon was alright; it didn't resonate that much with me; I've heard better. But, a part of me kinda missed the whole environment and sense of community that church provided. Since coming out, I not only stopped caring about God, but I also saw myself slowly becoming judgmental of many of my Christian friends. Considering the fact that many of my best friends in the world are Christian - not to mention the amount of grace and open-mindedness they've extended me - it really hurt me to find that I was slowly becoming a hypocrite and totally snubbing the values of many of my most cherished friends.


It's a really unfortunate circumstance. On one hand, you have the Christian community whose image is tarnished by a lot of these radical evangelical sects throughout the country. And, on another, you have narrow-minded gays that think that all Christians are out to get them. Throughout this whole mess, you have atheists who incessantly mock Christians, yet bitch about how close-minded they are towards them. It's a huge clusterfuck, and it's unfortunate that I've become a part of that.


Beneath all the hullabaloo of political labels, religious affiliations, sexual identities, we are each individuals brimming with our own sets of ability, passion, love, and intellect. We define ourselves through our actions and through what kinds of people we share our most precious moments with. God gives us the ability to love all people and things in our lives - and, most importantly, to understand all these things. Open-mindedness isn't necessarily about wanting others to unconditionally accept who I am and what I stand for. It's about a mutual transaction of understanding. If I automatically turn my back on another simply because he is Christian and I just assume that he will not approve of who I am, then I totally miss out on being there to teach him about who I am and having the opportunity to learn and understand where his views come from. In the pursuit of knowledge and friendship, it's hypocritical to pick and choose based on convenience.


It's frustrating being wrapped up in categories. It's frustrating being gay and being wrapped up with the narrow-minded GLBT community. It was frustrating when I was Republican trying to explain to people how it is not profound to be gay and yet desire small government and free markets. It's frustrating now after having voted for Obama trying to explain to people that government does need to invest in its citizens and their well-being in order to give us a robust economy - but doing so in a way that incentivizes reform and innovation.


I'm tired of all this crap. I need to break away from these conventions and learn that open-mindedness is a two-way street. I have to be more patient with other people with whom I share disagreements in order to learn from. I have to be that person who teaches them that we are not all the same. In order break away from the molds of which I deteste, I have to clearly define who I am and not be afraid to both express it and to lend an ear to listen.

Asian women

I think that, in some weird subconscious way, growing up with my mother has somehow instilled within me this bitter frustration of Asian women. Especially when I am having a dialogue with one. Case in point: my VLSI Design professor, this cute Asian female professor, roughly the age of my mom. She has trouble understanding questions raised in class - and then makes you feel stupid somehow for having asked them. I started getting really frustrated when I was asking her about my quiz. I became really argumentative with her - until I realized that I had made some stupid mistake that had nothing to do whether or not my method was valid - but yet made me lose all my credibility (and sanity) in front of her during the first day of class.


It reminds me of how I could never have a high-level conversation with Mom. It always frustrated the hell out of me. Not only would my mom not ever understand the point of what I was trying to make, but she never even cared enough to try to figure it out or to learn something new from it. I guess you could call it a mild language barrier between me and Mom. Godddammit, it was so frustrating. Especially when trying to rationally discuss complex and emotional subjects like my sexuality and Dad's drug problem.


I love my mother. However, there's nothing more frustrating than ignorance, mixed with stubbornness.

A new superpower

A lot of Westerners fear the rise of China. They see China as something that will compromise America's economic and military might. They see it as something that will ultimately and irreversibly lead to modern civilization's demise. People forget how sophisticated Chinese culture is and how much potential exists there for betterment of human civilization. Of course, all that is beneath a dark layer of communist rule. In the long term, though, a strong China is a good thing. What America lacks in its wisdom and farsightedness, China makes up for. America and China (not to mention Europe) locked in a competition for dominance of the world stage can only be a good thing for the entire world. It keeps America on its toes, and it promotes alternate views of governance and sustainability. America cannot be the stubborn, sole ruling power of the world much longer. And, thank God for that! It's reassuring to know that the world's greatest decisions will no longer depend solely on the whims of a bunch of ignorant, short-sighted voters in Ohio.

Clientelism

I really should get into these discussion threads a lot sooner. I tend to wait 'til the last minute (big surprise, eh?) before posting my thoughts on the topic. However, seldom is there enough time for others to respond. I often wonder what some of these replies would be, particularly in cases where my thoughts tend to diverge from the others throughout the threads.

The most recent discussion has been about clientelism. It seems that the discussion of what patron-client relationships are has centered around the ones throughout developing countries - those marked in particular by extreme imbalances in power and subsequent exploitation by those in power. However, not all patron-client relationships have this same sort of imbalance, do they? There are often cases in which the client holds more leverage over the patron. In fact, this is most true throughout our economy. American consumers experience this power every day when choosing where to shop, for example.

There are varying configurations and degrees of power distribution among different patron-client relationships. When American consumers shop at a mall, these "clients" hold considerably more leverage over the shopkeepers, because they get to decide where to spend their money. However, when a cell phone carrier locks its customers into a 2-year plan, then they gain a considerable amount of upperhand within this relationship.

American democracy has been so successful for the past 233 years, because of its founders' consciousness to this issue. The circular checks and balances within the American government ensures that there is always an avenue to assert accountability and ensure that promises are being kept for the good of the general public.